August 09, 2007
Thanksgiving Considers Move to October
by ALLAN ROUSSELLE, Permanent Press Writer
NORTH POLE - Saint Nicholas and the Fraternal Union of Christmas and Kwanzaa Elf Machinists (FUCKEM) announced today that Christmas this year would be held on November 25th.
"The union is still considering what to do about Kwanzaa, but Christmas definitely had to move," said the jolly old elf. "It's bad enough with the ongoing War on Christmas, but now having to contend with the US Presidential primaries is just too much."
The world's most famous toy distributor referred to the cascading effect that the 2008 US Presidential elections are having on scheduling. When California moved their state primaries to February 5th, 2008 in an effort to increase their influence on the candidate selection process, the South Carolina GOP was compelled to move up their primary to January 19th. This led to New Hampshire setting their primary for early January in turn, and then Iowa, in accordance with state law, rescheduled its state caucuses to mid-December 2007.
"How can toy ads and good will toward men prevail against negative campaign ads and mudslinging political debates?" a flustered Saint Nick said. "Besides, nobody really knows when Jesus was born, anyway, so it's not like December 25 is set in stone."
Butterball and similar stocks have dropped precipitously on speculation that, in order to maintain its standing as the official start to the Christmas shopping season, Thanksgiving will likely have to move to the fourth Thursday of October. "There's no way we'll be able to meet the demand this year if the holiday season is pushed up," said company strategist Valerie Plame, who spoke only on condition of anonymity.
A spokesman for Halloween indicated that the popular October closer was taking a wait-and-see attitude. "It's too soon for us to pick a new date, although you can be sure Halloween won't come after Thanksgiving," he said. "But Nevada still hasn't weighed in on their plans, and California may choose to retaliate against South Carolina. Until the primaries are set, I don't think the fall and winter holidays can be locked down."
But while the shopping season is relatively short for Halloween, the nation's economy is heavily affected by the run-up to Christmas. "Wouldn't it be ironic," lamented Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly, "if California's Republican governor and the South Carolina GOP were the ones who killed Christmas?"
Canadian pop star Alanis Morissette could not be reached for comment.
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