The following was first published to this site on April 24th, 2000. However, that was just before I had this handy content management system, and the original pages were tossed about three and a half years ago. I had written this piece for a parody web site founded by my friend Eric Francis, along with an article that pathetically tried to defend the superiority of the Chinese Zodiac against the more popular Astrological Zodiac. Since that parody web site has come down, I've decided to post it here again. That, and a friend of mine was making a comment about horoscope parodies....

"Semi-exclusive to Planet Wavering Zodialogical Society:"

RAT (1936, 1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996)
It's pretty mind boggling when you stop to think about it: all of your life has been leading up to this one particular moment. Everything you have done has prepared you for exactly where and what you are right now. Your entire history has converged upon this one nexus in time. What will you do with this golden opportunity? Answer quickly -- you will be killed in a random act of violence before the day is over.

OX (1937 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997)
"Platitudes are the Sundays of Stupidity." I don't recall who said that, but they were talking about you at the time. Don't be taken in by any aphorisms today. The free advice you hear will be worth exactly what you paid for it. Instead, trust your gut. Chart your own course. Be your own man (or, in this day of political correctness, be your own woman, if that's your kind of thing). Remember: you are unique. Just like everybody else. You must destroy anyone who tries to tell you otherwise.

TIGER (1938 1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998)
Good news! That rash is finally going to clear up. Maybe not today, mind you, but soon. Odds are that the negative side effects from that topical ointment you've been using won't be noticed for some time. You still should have seen a doctor about that, but you wouldn't listen to me, would you? No, you wouldn't. That's the problem with you Tigers: you're too damned smart for your own good. Why do I even bother writing an entry for you?

RABBIT (1939, 1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999)
If you happen to know any Oxen, today would be a good day to offer them advice. Let's face it, we all need a little guidance from time to time, and you are just the kind of person who can help them make sense of it all. Your natural tendencies as a teacher will shine through today. Unless, of course, you were born in 1999. That would be stupid. If you encounter resistance to your advice, keep at it. The results will be well worthwhile.

DRAGON (1940, 1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000)
Happy Birthday! Or, twelfth anniversary. Or, twenty-fourth. Or, whatever. Oh, nevermind. Why bother? You probably read those other zodiacs, don't you? Those lunar calendars with their stupid little star charts and their "House of Uranus" and all that. Whatever, man. Look, just because the Chinese didn't have cool names for their signs, like "Aries" or "Gemini", doesn't mean the Chinese Zodiac is any less cool. I mean, hey, you guys are fuckin' Dragons. Everyone else is a stupid Monkey or Rat or something. So, show me some respect, okay?

SNAKE (1941, 1953, 1965, 1977, 1989)
Your professional career is poised on the launching pad, and today is the day that the ignition is switched on. Can you here the automated voice counting down to lift off? Be sure to get as far away as you can by T minus Zero, because when that sucker goes off, it's going to evaporate everything within a twelve mile radius. You should have proofread that e-mail to your boss/teacher/probation officer before you clicked 'send'. Idiot.

HORSE (1942, 1954, 1966, 1978, 1990)
I had a dream about you last night, Horse. In the dream, you were standing naked in front of your fourth grade class, trying to recite the words to Robert Frost's "Stopping by a Woods on a Snowy Evening." Normally, this kind of dream bothers me, but since you were the one standing naked in front of the class, and I wasn't, the dream didn't seem so bad. Nice birthmark.

SHEEP (1943, 1955, 1967, 1979, 1991)
Whether we study physics or philosophy or Batman Comic Books, we're inevitably confronted by a singular truth: that no matter how good or bad a life we lead, the sun will explode in about a few hundred million years and wipe out the entire solar system. Pretty cool, huh? So, really, what's the harm if you had another twinkie after lunch today? When you put things in perspective, you can ascertain their true worth.

MONKEY (1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992)
Remember the movie Thelma & Louise? Remember that part where they drive off the edge of the cliff at the end, and into the grand canyon? Remember the movie Presumed Innocent and how we found out at the very end that the wife did it? Remember how the Kevin Spacey character in The Usual Suspects turned out to be Kaiser Souze all along? I'd tell you what's in store for you today, but I know how you hate it when someone spoils the surprise for you.

ROOSTER (1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993)
One of my contemporaries, who writes for that other zodiac, somehow keeps tying his forecasts to sexuality. Hey, sex sells. Unfortunately for me -- and you -- the odds are pretty good that you're either too young (1993) or too old (1969, 1957, 1945) to enjoy sex. But, to boost my ratings, I've got this tidbit for you Roosters in the middle there (1981): this year will be a pretty good year for you to have sex.

DOG (1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994)
It's been a very turbulent time for you, but the shake-ups are about to end. The only question is, will you land on your feet, or on someone else's? As a palm reader friend of mine once told me, similes stick out like a sore thumb. That's why I've been using metaphors, instead. This may not make things any clearer for you, but it sure beats shaving your wrists with a potato peeler.

BOAR (1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995)
Jealousy is one of the most potent emotions, capable of ruining a life in a single stroke. Make sure it doesn't ruin yours. By the way, your mate has been cheating on you. With a Rat. Think about it. The signs have been there, all along. You know who I'm talking about, don't you? Remember what I said: don't let jealousy ruin your life. Turn those destructive natures loose on those cheating bastards, instead. Today.