Me: I need to update the address on my Translucent Spiffy credit card.

They: Okay. We'll need the code above the number on your card.

Me: Numbernumbernumbernumber.

They: I'm sorry, sir, but that's the number from your old card, not your new card. We need the new card.

Me: But I never activated the new card. It got thrown into a pile somewhere and was packed in a box and I have no idea where it is right now. The old card hasn't even expired yet....

They: Well, you need to have that new card in order to update your address.

Me: But I didn't activate that card!

They: Our system says we need the new card. The only way to supercede the new card is to issue you yet another new card.

Me: But you'll end up sending it to the old address, right? We've already moved. The move is done. We don't live there any more. And you don't allow forwarding of your replacement cards, do you?

They: Hmmm. Let me talk to someone else and see what else I can do.

Herb Alpert: A Taste of Honey.

They: Mr. Rousselle?

Me: Yes?

They: You have another card with us, the Silver Something card. Why don't we update the address on that card, and see if we can then update the first card as part of that process.

Me: Okay.

They: Do you have your silver card with you?

Me: [rummage through extremely disorganized wallet.] Here it is.

They: What's the number on that one?

Me: Numbernumbernumbernumber.

They: Okay, and the address?

Me: Addressaddressaddress.

They: And your supersecret pin code for the Silver card?

Me: I have a supersecret pin code for that card?

They: Mmm-hmm.

Me: Uh... Mother's Maiden Name?

They: Nope. Try again?

Me: Uh... Birthplace?

They: I'm sorry sir, but that didn't work either.

Me: Well, how about Father's Middle Name...?

They: I'm sorry. The system only gives me two chances. I'll have to transfer you over to the pin number department and have you reset your pin. Then they'll transfer you back to me to update your address.

Me: ???

They: Thanks for your patience. I'll be right back.

Herb Alpert: A Taste of Honey.

They: Mr. Rousselle? I have Drone Number Forty-Two on the line.

Me: Hi, there.

They: Mr. Rousselle, in order to reset your password, could you please read me the four digit code that appears above your account number?

Me: Numbernumbernumbernumber.

They: Thank you, sir. You may now set your new pin.

Me: Newpinnumber.

They: Thank you, sir. Now I'll put you on hold while we get someone on the line to help you update the address with this card.

Herb Alpert: A Taste of Honey.

They: Mr. Rousselle?

Me: Yes?

They: The address change went through for your Silver Something card, but not for the Translucent Spiffy.

Me: [sigh]

They: Well, you can always retrieve your statements online...

Me: No, I can't. I can't set up the online account, because when I tried to do that, I was told that I needed the new card to do that. And I don't know where the new card is....

They: Hmmm.

Me: Hmmm.