It's going to happen sooner or later. The Kid is going to start crawling. Then, I am told, the trouble begins.

They say (you know... they) that you (meaning anyone with a kid) need to childproof your home by the time your child can move around. Cover up the electrical outlets. put gates at the top and the bottom of each staircase, at the entryway to your kitchen, etc. Move all chemicals up from the bottom cabinets. Likewise, the medicines in your bathroom drawers. Padding on furniture corners. Bolt the bookcases to the wall and similarly secure the television. Pick up any sharp objects. Pick up any objects small enough to fit into the kids mouth.

It's a lot of work. I don't think they are thinking this whole situation through. Think like an engineer. You can go through all this effort to childproof your house. Or...

You can houseproof your child.

After all, it's the child who is the single changed factor in the situation. Your house doesn't suddenly require all this attention; your *child* requires you to pay this attention to the house. But, wouldn't it be easier to cushion your kid than to cushion the house?

In the old days, they didn't childproof houses. No, sir. I remember quite clearly. They had big ol' splitters on the electrical outlets that turned two outlets into six, which then had extension cords or three-way splitters in each socket, with every new socket occupied by some lamp or other device with exposed wires, etc. We had roller chairs that the child in question could sit in and move around the house by psuedo-walking. These little death traps could take a kid right down the stairs, yes-indeedy, and a child only made that kind of mistake five or six times before learning to stop doing that.

Likewise, licking electrical wires was usually a self-correcting behavior. I remember quite distinctly one time when I touched an exposed plug that was only half-way inserted in the outlet. After I let out a yelp, one of the adults nearby -- back in those days, it took a village. I had both parents, half a dozen aunts and uncles, and then grandparents, extended family, and friends of the family -- said to me, "Betcha won't do that again." And he was right.

If the kid started playing with the TV or bookshelf or whatever, the standard mode of operations went like this:

1) yell "NO" at the kid

2) if that didn't work, slap the kid's hand

3) if that didn't work, spank

4) if that didn't work, use The Rack

5) if that didn't work, use the Mace

6) if that didn't work, burn at the stake

This method was usually quite effective, and most of my generation learned the lesson without having to go beyond step five. In this way, the house was duly protected from the child with minimal effort expended by the parents.

These days, we don't have a village of adults to watch over the kids. These days, it's extremely not in vogue to spank or yell or show disapproval of any sort. And yet, I'm reticent to spend all the time, money, and energy to child-proof my house.

So once the Kid starts crawling, here's my plan:

* You know those white plastic cones that vets put around the necks of cats or dogs when they don't want the animal to scratch its head? Put one of those on the Kid. That way, he can't put anything sharp or small anywhere near his face. This should also protect him from fiddling with electrical outlets.

* Wrap up the Kid in thick, padded clothes. A down-filled jumper and a thick, knit hat ought to do it (plus thick mittens, of course). Now, sharp corners are no longer a problem.

No muss, no fuss. The kid can still crawl around, but he will be safe. And so will the house. And there will be no beatings involved, no expressions of disapproval. Everybody wins. :-)